The Girl with the Bomb
by Melira
Summary: "How is the girl with the bomb?" he repeated, emphasizing every word to make himself clear. There was a relative silence for a few seconds, before suddenly: "It's Meredith." Dr Yang sounded breathless. Derek's head snapped up, the patient beneath his fingers completely forgotten.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is my version of what goes on inside Derek's head during 02x17 "As we know it (2)", when Meredith deems it a good idea to put her hand next to a live bomb inside a patient's body.  
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_Enjoy!_

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"How's it going out there, Yang?", Derek asked without looking up when he heard her re-enter his OR.

After she had left without explanation, he had started getting worried. Staying here with a live bomb next door didn't bother him. He was a surgeon and he had a patient who would die if he left now, end of discussion. Not to mention the fact that it was Bailey's husband... But he was afraid for the part of his team that had stayed. Yes, it had been of their own free will, but nevertheless. He didn't want them to get in harm's way. And Dr Yang's wordless and hurried departure had indicated that she had seen or heard something bad...

"Everything's fine." Her answer was immediate and reassuring. Although something about it felt a little off. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

"How's the girl with the bomb?" he asked, his eyes and the better part of his mind still fixed on the craniotomy in front of him.

"How's he doing?", the young woman asked instead of an answer. The evasion confused him. Yang usually answered any question instantly, just to prove that she could. Was she keeping something from him? But what? And why?

"He's almost there." He answered and moved his hand a little. "Suction", he commanded and a small tube appeared, ridding the tissue of the blood that made it impossible for him to see what he was doing. "Yeah, okay, great."

"You didn't answer my question, Yang." He quickly glanced in her direction. She was still standing near the door, unmoving. Something was not right, now he was sure of it. Cristina Yang never just stood in the middle of a room when there was a chance for her to assist at anything even remotely interesting. And the open skull of her resident's husband surely counted as fascinating at the very least.

"Sir?" she asked, pretending not to know what he was talking about.

"How is the girl with the bomb?" he repeated, emphasizing every word to make himself clear.

There was a relative silence for a few seconds, before suddenly:

"It's Meredith." Dr Yang sounded breathless. Derek's head snapped up, the patient beneath his fingers completely forgotten for the moment. He could feel shock flitting across his face which fortunately no one could see through the mask and glasses. He fixed his eyes on the woman before him, willing her to explain her statement in any other way. Any other than the only one, the obvious one, the impossible one. Because it just couldn't be. It was this young paramedic who had her hand stuck in a patient, unable to move because there was a bomb next to his heart that could go off at the tiniest movement. It was a stranger, and not Meredith. It couldn't be Meredith, because... how?

"The girl with the bomb is Meredith", Dr Yang repeated. His brain refused to process what the sentence meant. He could ignore his own life being at stake, he could still concentrate with his team's lives in danger but with Meredith's...

His thoughts started spiralling, tail spinning. The paramedic must have run off, there was no way they had sent her away while her hand was still needed to keep the patient alive. And to keep the bomb from exploding. So she must have panicked. And Meredith had probably taken her place. He could almost see her, one hand deep inside this man's chest and with that typical air of hers. This impulsiveness that sometimes left her wondering what she had just done. He had always loved seeing her like that. When she was confused by her own actions that had been born purely from intuition. It made her seem even more remarkable a woman than she already was.

But now... Now the chances of her never getting to confuse herself again were so high. Higher than of this ending well. He didn't want to think about it, he couldn't let himself think about it, he mustn't allow his thoughts to even attempt going that way.

Seconds passed and he was still standing motionlessly next to the gurney, facing Dr Yang, his eyes not really seeing her.

A sudden loud beeping noise catapulted him out of his stupor. The heart monitor. The aggressive sound managed to get him back into the here and now. He swivelled around, facing the patient again. His brain at the same time still paralyzed with fear for Meredith and cursing himself for getting distracted.

"We're losing him", he stated, quickly assessing the situation.

The typical, organized chaos of an emergency in the OR broke out.

"Okay, push one of epi." - "Thready pulse." - "Epi in." - "Nothing. Okay, give me a wet rag." - "Here." - "We're gonna have to roll him on three. When everybody's ready. Let's go. - "Right." - "Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go. Let's go!"

People were talking over one another, hectic action replaced the shocked silence from a few seconds before and there was no space to think about anything but the patient's survival. All that counted was to keep the man in front of them alive.

Only slowly did a cautious calm return to the scenery. The heart monitor's beeping became regular once more and Derek as well as the nurses were able to breathe again.

To breathe and to think. The moment he didn't need all his concentration for the patient at hand anymore, Derek couldn't help but feel the shock about what Dr Yang had said coming back full force.

Shock accompanied by worry and a certain kind of frustration. It somehow seemed typical for Meredith to get herself into the worst possible situation. And typical for him to half lose his mind over it.

Derek closed his eyes for a split second. He had to concentrate on the patient beneath his fingers. And he had to stop thinking about Meredith. He was a married man who had promised to try save his marriage and who had vowed to himself that he wouldn't make it any harder than it already was, neither on Meredith nor on himself.

And it was hard enough as it was already. He couldn't recall ever doing something as difficult as breaking up with her, as choosing Addison over her, had been. Only his moral principles had kept him going through with it... And to hold firm. He still spent almost every waking hour attempting to get her out of his head. But no matter how hard he tried, she always managed to sneak back into his thoughts and seeing her every day didn't help at all. Seeing her laughing with the other interns, standing next to her in the elevator or watching her trying to answer a question during the rounds. It was impossible to forget her, whatever he tried and however much he worked on forgiving Addison for what she had done to him. Or at least forgetting it.

He only ever got his mind to himself again when he was fishing or when he was in the OR with neither of the women near him.

But today, not even this short time of peace was granted to him. Today, Meredith had to put her hand in the thoracic cavity of a man, next to live ammunition that could devastate the whole OR in a split second. He couldn't help but be worried sick.

He mentally shook his head. He had to concentrate! He couldn't call himself a good surgeon if he wasn't able to ban everything but the patient before him from his mind. He took a deep breath and focused again. It was Tucker Jones laying there, his head open, on the gurney in front of him. Bailey's husband. He better got him fixed up if he planned on living through the next day and not being killed at first sight by the small but incredibly fierce woman. Because that was what would happen. Bailey would be onto him the instant she saw him if he messed up now.

In that moment, everything went to hell. An earsplitting sound filled the room and the ground beneath his feet shook. It was lucky he hadn't had his hands near the open lying brain or he accidentally could've killed the man.

But he didn't care about the what-ifs right now. He didn't care about anything else but what that sound had meant. It had been an explosion, unmistakably. The explosion. The explosion he had dreaded, had feared would come. The explosion that meant the ammunition had gone off after all. Probably tearing everything in close proximity to shreds. Including...

"Meredith", he breathed. When he looked up, he could see the same panic that threatened to overwhelm him clouding Dr Yang's eyes. She stared at the wall in the direction the detonation had come from, unmoving but obviously wanting nothing more than to run out there, looking for Meredith. Pretty much like he himself did. He wanted to be there, to see that she miraculously had survived, that he hadn't just lost the woman he loved.

"Dr Shepherd?" The female voice barely managed to penetrate the chaotic swirl of thoughts inside his mind.

"Dr Shepherd!" The voice sounded again, fiercer this time. He forced himself to look up, searching for the person who had spoken. It was a nurse standing next to him, her eyes darting from the patient to the monitor showing his vitals and back again. Luckily, Tucker was still stable, despite the additional stress his body had had to put up with.

For the umpteenth time this day Derek shook his head trying to clear it.

"Yes, I'm sorry." He gave himself a split second to decide what to do next. "Dr Yang, go out there and look if you can help. But be careful!" He wanted to tell her to come back once she knew how bad it was and report to him but he didn't dare. Once she had left the room he would have to focus entirely on the patient. And he wouldn't be able to do that if he was waiting for her returning with news.

She nodded curtly at his order and turned on the spot but he could see how grateful she was as she fled the room, barely caring to shed the once sterile clothing. He envied her.

With all his might he pulled his eyes away from the door she had just walked through and concentrated on Tucker again. It cost him all he had left but he managed to shove everything else aside and focus on the one thing he could do right now. The one thing he had to do. His job.

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_A/N: I wrote this quite a while ago (two years, maybe) but never published it. When I came across it on my computer again, I thought, what the hell, why not just upload it. It may not be not one of my finer works, but since I took the time to write it, I could just as well put it up here. Maybe there is even one person, somewhere, who likes it.  
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_Two more chapters to go..._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Shortest chapter in the history of multi-chapters, I know. Sorry about that. Last one will be twice as long, promise!_

_Thank you Guest Patsy for the review!_

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The seconds in the elevator were amongst the worst yet. Having nothing to occupy his mind with but needing to keep still and to pull himself together because Burke was standing next to him. All while still not knowing how Meredith was. He had seen the destruction the explosion had left behind, all the debris clattering the floor, the shattered windows and the dust still hanging in the air. The sight had rattled him more than he wanted to admit even to himself. How could she have been near that and survived?

But Burke had said she had. When Derek had run into the corridor as soon as the operation on Tucker was finished, the other surgeon had told him the only fatality had been the guy from the bomb squad. There hadn't even been a corpse anymore. The thought of the force necessary to rip a body to shreds was sickening. And all that destruction.

Derek forced himself to remain calm. He tried to breathe steadily and kept his eyes on the floor in front of his feet. Burke couldn't tell him where Meredith was, but she hadn't been in the corridor anymore so she had to be in safety, didn't she?

The doors of the elevator opened and he looked up. There were people standing a short way down the corridor, apparently waiting for them.

He searched through them while he and Burke walked towards them. There was Richard, next to his wife Adele, a woman in a hospital gown, Alex Karev and a few others he didn't bother putting names to. But no Meredith. He searched again, his eyes flitting across the faces. Still nothing.

"Derek." Burke next to him acknowledged him. He barely noticed the use of his first name and responded automatically while nodding in the other man's direction.

"Preston."

He could feel Burke leaving his side and walking towards the woman in the gown, telling her, her husband was alright. So she was the wife of that ... idiot who had endangered all their lives because he was too stupid to be careful when playing with his weapons. Who had almost killed Meredith.

While the people around him started talking to each other, Derek kept looking for her. She had to be here somewhere! She hadn't been in the destroyed corridor and Burke hadn't said anything about her being in the ICU, so she had to be here. She simply had to!

He walked into every hallway nearby, checked every room twice and constantly listened for her voice but still couldn't find her. So many people crowding the space an none of them was the one person he was looking for.

Once more he turned on the spot, glancing across the whole room. His eyes fell on Richard who was talking to Adele. The couple looked at him.

"Where is she?" he asked, desperate and not caring that he wasn't supposed to be worried about Meredith like this.

"You had to be a cowboy", Richard answered, mildly criticising Derek's decision to stay in his OR, ignoring the Code Black. But Derek didn't care for the comment.

"Whe... Where is she?" he asked again, still looking around. He could see the chief sigh and gesturing to Derek's left.

"She's right here." Derek's head snapped up, looking in the pointed direction. There, coming around a corner, was Addison.

"Derek! You're okay!" She was walking his way, hair floating behind her and tears in her eyes. Relief was radiating off her. A few years earlier he would have been touched by her concern, but right now, he couldn't bring himself to care.

She hugged him closely and mechanically he held her close. His wife. At whom he hadn't spent a single thought.

"You're okay", she repeated into his ear.

While she found reassurance in his presence, his eyes kept searching the room for Meredith. Where was she? Why couldn't he find her?

A few steps beside him he could hear Adele whispering something to her husband.

"That was not the she he was asking for!"


	3. Chapter 3

Richard had sent them home as soon as was ascertained that there were no patients needing their immediate care. He had been adamant about it and hadn't left them any choice. Burke had gone to find Cristina, but Addison had practically pulled Derek through the entrance hall and out the door. He wasn't able to honour her concern for him, all his thoughts were circling around Meredith. He still hadn't seen her and no one had told him how she was. Alive was all he knew. He longed to see her, to make sure for himself that she was alright. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her close, just to feel that she hadn't died.

"The girl with the bomb is Meredith." Every time he remembered the moment Dr Yang had said those words, he involuntarily closed his eyes and had to remind himself that it was fine. That she was alive and not seriously harmed. But it wasn't enough. He could tell himself all he wanted, he knew he wouldn't find rest until he had seen her. And so he excused himself from the trailer, left Addison behind not really caring what she thought, and went back to the city, all the way to Meredith's house.

He hesitated on the front steps. He knew it was wrong for him to be here. Bailey's words were still ringing in his ears. That he had lost his right to care about Meredith the moment he hadn't told her he was married. It wasn't fair that he still did, neither towards Meredith nor towards Addison. Although he had to admit, it didn't bother him too much that he wasn't as nice as a husband should be. If he had no right to care for Meredith, then Addison had no right to expect consideration and kindness from him. Not after what she had done to him.

But right now, he didn't care for what was right and what was wrong. He needed to see Meredith, needed to know that she was alright. And so he knocked without having a clue what to say when he finally got a hold of her.

To his disappointment it wasn't Meredith who came to open the door. Dr Stevens approached and although she let him in, the disapproval was written all across her face.

"Dr Shepherd." Her voice was rather cold. At that moment, he was painfully aware of how little regard the other interns had for him since his secret had been made public. He could ignore it as long as they only had to interact on a professional basis, but this was different. This was their home and he wanted to talk to their friend, a woman he had hurt beyond belief.

"Dr Stevens", he could hear the caution and desperation in his own voice. "How is she?"

"Resting."

"Could I speak to her? Please." He added the last word when he saw the defensive expression on her face.

She looked at him silently for a second before turning away from him. "I'll go fetch her", she said in an icy tone.

He nodded at her back and buried his hands in his pockets. Standing in this hallway brought back memories, memories of happier times without wives and decisions made out of honour. Times long gone. They hurt but he tried to hold on to them, they were better than the alternative. Because now that he was so close to finally seeing Meredith, his mind started showing him pictures of how she would look. She wasn't at the hospital anymore so she couldn't be hurt too much, but she had been close to the detonation, closer than any of them and even in his OR, at the other end of the hallway, the ground had shaken.

He could hear Dr Stevens open a door on the floor above him and talk in a low voice. And then there were steps, a light person carefully treading on the wooden floor. They sounded even, no sign of a limb. A first tiny bit of relief.

He watched sockless feet and then black-clad legs appear on the stairs, followed by a red shirt. Meredith.

He didn't notice he had been holding his breath until he finally exhaled at the complete sight of her. She had a scratch on her forehead and a bandage on her right forearm, only partly covered by the shirt. But otherwise she was alright. Standing upright, no serious injuries and able to look at him, confusion all over her face. The impulse to take the few steps necessary to get to her and take her in his arms was overwhelming. But he held himself back, somehow. He knew it was wrong for him to be here at all, so getting near her was out of the question.

"Hey", he said. Not knowing what else to say.

"Hey." She sounded breathy, almost a bit hoarse.

"You almost died today." It was a stupid thing to say but it was the one thing that kept going through his head.

"Yeah, I almost died today."

He felt helpless. He wanted to go near her but he couldn't, he wanted to say so many things but wasn't allowed to. He had to go. He knew she was alright so he had to leave as long as he was still able to. He moved for the door without another word.

"I can't..." Her voice sounded weak from behind him. He turned back towards her. She looked as forlorn as he felt. "I can't remember our last kiss." She seemed almost confused by her own words. "All I could think about was, 'I'm gonna die today and I can't remember our last kiss' which is pathetic but..." She hesitated. "The last time we were together and happy, I... wanna be able to remember that. And I can't, Derek." She looked at him, and he wasn't sure if it was the light that made her eyes glisten or if it was tears. "I can't remember." Her voice cracked slightly.

He could. The memory was still clear in his mind. A bittersweet one, a wonderful moment lost forever.

"I'm glad you didn't die today." It was the only thing on his mind.

The look she gave him was hard to decipher. Sadness? Disappointment? Anger? He would understand each. And it hurt. Even more so because he knew it hurt her, too.

He started to leave once more, not knowing what else to do. When he was already through the door, he looked back at her.

She had turned away from him. And the recollection hit him, harder than he would have thought possible. Her expression when Addison had so suddenly been standing in front of them. How Meredith had looked at him and how she had left.

"It was a Thursday morning." He was surprised by himself that he spoke up. But he couldn't help it. He had to make the bad memories fade away by recalling happier ones. And he wanted to help her. If she couldn't remember, he would do it for her.

She stopped, still facing away from him, and he entered the hallway again.

"You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck." He chuckled at the memory, fondly. "You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of ... flower."

She half turned towards him and opened her mouth but didn't say anything. He went on.

"I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later. Then you leaned to me. You put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit."

He smiled sadly. "You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed." With every word he spoke the recollection turned more from sweet to bitter until he almost chocked on it.

He tried to leave again, but her voice stopped him..

"Lavender." She was smiling. "My hair smelled like lavender. From my conditioner."

"Lavender", he repeated and recalled the scent one last time before he finally walked away, leaving her behind, when all he wanted to do was stay with her.

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_A/N: So, that's it. If you like, leave a review and tell me, what you think. I'd love to hear it, it's what I published this for in the first place, after all._


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